Most of my friends know that I am a genealogist. I usually focus my blog on genealogy and my every day life. Today, I confessed on Facebook that I have postpartum depression. WOW was that HARD! So here is my post…
I’ve got a confession… I’ve hid this for months. I’ve struggled almost all alone. Only a handful of people know that I’ve gone through all this. But I feel it’s time to bring all this to the light & stop feeling guilty & ashamed of this….
I have postpartum depression. It’s time I admit to myself! It’s time to fight! I don’t care if NO-ONE believes me! I have too much to live for! I’ve isolated myself with Shelbi, Disney Jr & Facebook as my only company. It’s time to climb out of the darkness and take back my life!!! I’ve tried to avoid it for months, but I’ve been depressed and anxious over every little thing! And I’ve had thoughts of running away and leaving it all behind!
I SHOULD be happy! The Lord answered my prayers, He gave me a miracle! And she’s AMAZING! I should be happy – but I’m not. I am empty. I am numb. Mad as Hell! I’m a failure, I can’t focus on anything. I’m in a fog all the time. I feel disconnected from people and places I used to love!! I feel like there’s this invisible wall between me and the rest of the world. I don’t want to do the things I used to LOVE to do…
Why can’t I snap out of this? I’m so ashamed! I’ve gone crazy! If I tell… people will not want to be my friend any more! If they know my weakness, they will leave & not love me anymore.
I’m drowning and I can’t keep my head above water anymore. I feel like no-one cares about me anymore. Nobody wants me. God doesn’t want me! My husband has been great but, I’m sure he’s sick of dealing with me! I’m sure my kids would be much better without me!
That being said…. I’ve been to the Dr’s and she started me on meds. I’ve been through a lot of health issues since Shelbi was born. Most I’ve kept to myself. First for 7 months I had C-Diff… one word YUCK!! Then a 5 cm cyst on my ovaries…. painful!! After that they found I have a herniated belly button, still dealing with that one. Had an upper respiratory infection that lasted a couple months. Then my Dr called me and told me after looking at the scans from my ovaries, she saw something with my liver…. so more testing…. yep my liver was enlarged, she thought it was Cirrhosis of the liver… I don’t drink much, so scared the crap out of me… tests came back, liver is functioning properly, but keeping an eye on it.
I just don’t know how much more I can handle, I want to be me again!! I’m still dealing with my body trying to bounce back from C-Diff, and the belly button thing is being watched.
Thanks for listening…
So I’m gonna start using my blog as a place to share my testimony; from infertility, foster care, adoption, pregnancy, labor/delivery, being a mommy of an infant, and postpartum depression…
Thanks for listening…
Carsten Family
Fall 2015
Echo's of Lost Footsteps 